Whispers In The Wind

Angels, Art, Beautiful, BeautifulDisaster, BeFearless, Believe, BeYou, Bible, BibleDevotions, Brewster, Chains, ChangeYourStars, Christian, ChristianLife, ChristLover, Commissioned, CrystalBall, Dare, Deception, desperation, Disaster, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, DreamBig, Dreams, FacelessMan, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, girlRgirls, God, Goddess, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, Heartache, Hope, Immortal, Innocent, I_Dare_You, Jesus, Judgement, laugh, Lies, LittlePrincess, Live, lost, love, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Mystery, NomoreChains, NotForsaken, Pain, Phantom, poetry, princesslife, PrivateAccusations, QueenLife, RealTalk, Redemption, Salvation, Setfree, Smile, Strength, Tears, Truth, UnStoppable, Vision

I wanted to share a moment I had today with this song. I know probably everyone has heard it at some point. I want you to listen to it again. Listen to the words and I want you to vision the lost ppl around you, family, friends, co-workers, the lady working the register at Circle K, the young lady in Walmart that looks full of anger, and hurt… there are so many things and ppl around us that went through my mind when I was listening to this song. Then I had a flash back from about 5 years ago, It was probably 3 or 4 am, I was sitting outside on the steps, I was drunk and listening to this song. I remember listening to this song over and over again, actually several drunk nights I ended up around Godly stuff. See at this time I had recently walked away from everything I knew, my brother had died and it turned my world upside down, my two teenage boys were acting up, to the point where I cried almost every night, I was working 2 jobs, trying to be the best mom I could be because my kids were my world,  in church, in a small group, trying MY hardest to do this God thing.

Even being in church I was dying a self-induced spiritual death, I was dying because I wouldn’t let anyone fully in, yes including God, or should I say ESPECIALLY God. I knew of God, I knew I pretty much believed in him, I had seen miracles in my life, Angels when I was near death several times, so I knew he was real. I just didn’t think he was for me… I didn’t think that he loved me. I mean, come on… If he had loved me, he never would have let me go through everything I have been through. Almost no one knows my full story but there had been lots of pain and very close encounters toward death. I flipped when my brother died, left church, left my small group, stop talking to ppl from church, funny thing is?? It was my way of protecting them, I knew I was slipping bad, all I wanted to do was drink, party, numb the pain. ALL the pain, an entire life of doing the “so called right things” and having it screw me over. I loved my girls, the hardest thing was walking away from them but I couldn’t chance taking them down with me, so I vanished. One day im gonna finally sit and write about all of this for ppl but until then…. Anyway, drunk listening to this song.. wanna know the weird part? Even though I had walked away from church, from God… I often wondered if anyone “Heard Me” did anyone truly understand the pain, lost, hopelessness that I felt inside?

Let me ask you the same thing I asked myself today… Do you hear them??? Do you??? Do you hear the cries for help, the screams of desperation for a way out, a plea for hope…. Do you hear her???? OR have you become so comfortable in “doing life” that you have forgotten where you came from? Have you forgotten how broken you were before someone shared Gods love with you, before someone SHOWED you GODS LOVE. Let me tell you who did that for me, Pastor Shannon Richard. She showed me unconditional God love, through every drunk text message, through every hangover. She never gave up encouraging me, She never grew tired of reminding me of Gods plan for me. My life and who I am has changed because of God and because of 2 women, Shannon Richard and my amazing mentor Tasha Guidry. They invested God’s love into me. Who are you investing God’s love into??? We talk about changing the world, but what part are you playing in the change?? We pay things forward, acts of kindness, which I love love love doing, but how about paying forward ministering to someone who is lost and broken???

You want change in your life??? Then get Radical about God’s Love!! Wake UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, & BE THE CHANGE.

https://youtu.be/OEhRucEVzH8

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The Leech Factor

Art, Beautiful, BeautifulDisaster, BeFearless, Believe, BeYou, Bible, BibleDevotions, Brewster, ChangeYourStars, Christian, ChristianLife, ChristLover, Commissioned, Disaster, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, girlRgirls, Goddess, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, Hope, Immortal, I_Dare_You, Jesus, laugh, Lies, LittlePrincess, Live, lost, love, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Mystery, NomoreChains, NotForsaken, poetry, princesslife, PrivateAccusations, QueenLife, RealTalk, Redemption, Salvation, Setfree, Smile, Strength

Without Jesus I’d be like a car accident with no repair shop,
a mental-case of self-doubt,
a walking shot of vodka times twenty.

Without Jesus in me,
I would travel from place to place
as a leech seeking my next feel-good prey.

That would be me.

You know what the crazy part is?

I’ve realized it’s ok if I still leech. Jesus doesn’t mind how much I leech on to him.

I can grasp on, pull out everything that IS him and still get every ounce of what I desperately need. I pull in all of his goodness to breathe out all of it wherever I go.

Jesus practically says leech off of me
and I will give you all-surpassing peace.

You will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Is. 26:3

I never thought it should work that way. But, it does. It really does.

He is the rescuer, the ambulance, the paramedic who now runs to my rescue.

Not from the physical issues that most likely would have plagued me, but, to the deep emotional hurts. He doesn’t even bandage them – but simply touches them with his gentle hands to bloom what once was bruised.

I don’t need much else besides him. He is the all-inclusive package to life.

I can seek him until I am blue in the face, and still uncover greater sustenance.

He’s better than the straight shot of alcohol because his intoxication heads directly into my heart.

He works in me, through me and for me.

to whom God willed to make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Col. 1:27

Now I have hope.

What once looked like a world full of hurt, crud yet-to-come and accidents waiting to happen, now looks like a world of hope-at-bay, peace-at-work and joy-yet-to-come.

It’s a mystery, but once you have Jesus in you – it all becomes clear as day.

You don’t have to worry about today, because God holds tomorrow.

You don’t have to fret about lost dreams, because God works beyond our visual screens.

You don’t have to be anxious, because God is working through the piles of trash that seem all around you.

You don’t have to feel alone, because God’s presence is greater than the blue sky that covers.

You simply rest in him, knowing he is working. That is Christ in you.

A person cheating and swindling?  Compassion for their needy heart.
Christ in you.

An obnoxious customer service call? Grace to the one who gets rejected all day long.
Christ in you.

Another call at church to give more money? An outpouring of money to those in need.
Christ in you.

Things you could never comprehend pouring out,
were always poured out by Jesus.
Christ in you.

I am realizing that the only requir

ement is a desire to keep blockages of his glory far, far away. To keep those things that trip you up distanced. That’s it. It’s not even so much that I have to do the hard labor, Christ in me, handles that for me, I just have to be willing to bring it to him.

To acknowledge it – you know, the opposite of deny it.

Then we can see his radiant glory shining out and when it shines it changes everything you look at.  Christ in us. The power is staggering.

Immortal Phantom

Goddess, Healing, Immortal, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Pain, Phantom, poetry

She sits on her throne.. High above the rest… Pain in her eyes that no mortal soul can contest… Alone in her Fortress of Solitude… a silent beating in her chest.. There is no life… There is no death… there is no rest… Aimless thoughts surround her mind.. taking her through memories of long ago… the touch of his hand.. the stars in her eyes…. the love she was denied…. Rage enclosed in her scepter…. Destruction in her vision… pain flowing from deep within… insanity in the sound of thunder… Sorrow in each breath… mortal death in each step…Vulnerability consumed by ice…. screams from all around… the war for her soul has begun… Angels stand guard….. Shadow demons step forward…a fight to the finish is announced… Hesitation is the only sound… fueled by her own doubt… A warrior without a reason to exist…forgiveness screams her name… agony heeds no warning… pain is her personal enemy… Shackles on her hands and feet… she has no remembrance of who holds the key… Strength is taken with every move she makes…. She stiffens her body as she feels the hard strike against her face.. blood melting on her tongue… Bitter memories run through her head… every hit… every disappointment strikes her as tho she were living those moments once again… Shadow demons circle around.. taunting her mind… every mistake… laughter coming from them with every painful memory they throw her way…. Weakness begins to take over… the shackles tighten as she attempts to move forward… she crumbles to the cold ground below… She begs for death to meet her… she has no fight left inside… she cries out for a rescue… this pain is too much to bear… Warmth fills the air… a soft comforting fire flows from her fingertips… the shackles from her hands and feet shatter like glass around her…. Unfamiliar rivers trace down her cheeks… the hand of love catches each tear… a small light begins to shine… Freedom and Healing sing her name.. they serenade the very essence of her being… Her eyes slowly open to a touch that lifts her from the cold ground… the arms of this angel hold her… protecting her with golden silver wings… Her eyes follow the sound of black ice falling against the ground… shadow demons are screaming out in fear… A man that she doesn’t recognize is at war for her…. Victory carved into his back… Strength written on his sword…. Love sits upon the crown he wears… She clings to the arms of the angel.. not understanding this act of love.. ashes cover the ground.. The shadow demons exist no more… Behind this man is an army rising up… as these angels begin to break every chain that surrounds her world and heart… She looks into the eyes of her personal warrior… looking for reason… looking for motive… Her only finding is kindness looking back at her… She lifts her eyes to heaven … Showers of mercy and grace fall upon her face… She feels the cuts and bruises on her childlike skin begin to heal… diamonds appear on her head… the gown she is suddenly wearing reminds her of white snow on the winter ground…. Innocence invades the walls surrounding her heart… melodies of hope and joy sing from from within her… the obsession of her pain exist no more… The warrior’s lips burn as a kiss is placed on her forehead… fire travels within her until her heart burns for him… She looks at the angel still holding her… Trying to understand what this all means… the angel smiles down on her as the word love is written across her heart… The phantom inside breathes no more… transformation has begun… strength beats violently in her chest…

Searching For Angels

Angels, Art, BeYou, Innocent, love, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, poetry

Sitting alone in my room…. curtains are down… darkness surrounds me… thoughts screaming through my head… hot tears streaming down my face…. my eyes have shown me… I’m not free from this pain I carry inside… My heart is in this prison…. in a box made of glass…. It feels little strength anymore…. it can no longer understand it’s task…. a pure heart with too many scars… jaded from life’s journeys… hopes and dreams have been torn apart….. My hands fall below my head…. my voice is numb from heartfelt cries… my soul is searching for Angels to heal this pain inside…. my desperate aches begging for grace…. cover me with your wings so I might recognize my own face….. My breath is carved from your hand… your reflection still in my eyes…. your voice still loud in my head…. singing the song of the stars…. my dreams are a hiding place….. my fingers playing upon your face…..

I hear an angels voice…. it follows the harmony of a harp…. I feel so alone and abandoned….. praying for comfort from this angel is like looking for love in a drop of rain…. I know this comfort I do not deserve….. The kindness I’ve served to others is my only plea…. please… please dear god…. hear me and help me in this time of need…. I know I’m nothing special…. I’m simply a servant looking for a reason to exist…. my love is sacrificial and unconditional to those in need…. I’m not perfect… But my heart has always been to change the lives of others…. with a kind word… a sweet smile…. giving away sunshine so that others may gleam inside…. I have no sunshine left to give…. my words come out in a whisper….. there is no smile on my face…. I feel like a tree with no leaves…. learning again to give people what they need to see…. spending my nights in tears because there is no happiness left inside of me…. I search for angels all through the day…. a life to touch… a heart to help…. hoping it will bring me closer to whom I used to be….. I sit by the water and wonder if my time has been wasted…. maybe I am as foolish as some people say….

Life isn’t as simple as I try to believe… infact looking at it can make it seem quite mean…. the only thing I know how to do is love…. but it’s never what I seem to get in return…. The loyalty I show is so easily thrown away….
My love is taken for granted…. maybe it just wasn’t enough…. everything I do in life seems wrong… no matter the turn I take it keeps leading me back to this place…. I’m starting to forget what it felt like to smile for real…. I look at the sky and it’s so pretty and blue…. I miss feeling special…. I must learn to live with this pain but I have no idea how…. I have to find a way to make people believe my tears have stopped… My walls are paper thin and I’m losing hope in myself…. I’m searching for Angels night and day to help me…. please God if you still love me… please help my hope in life and love keep breathing… it was my best gift to give when I was alive….

Send Angels to help me remember everyday…. it’s not me that matters anymore…. my heart should only want to help those in need…. thinking of myself is so very selfish indeed… Please give me strength to keep searching for angels…. for they are my example of how to live… how to love…. how to be a better me…

Lost On This Street

FearlessWarrior, feelings, Healing, Heartache, lost, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, RealTalk, Truth, Warrior

We are like strangers with a thousand memories between us…we utter no words of remembrance… silent prayers are in a cross over our heart…. Broken thoughts swimming through the ashes of another life…. No way to escape the way things have changed…

My tears have become my own… my heart is lost in a land of the unknown… ashes dance around my broken smile…. changing the color of my eyes to grey… they no longer hold the stars in the sky… my soul bleeds only smoke for now it feels hollow with a lack of meaning… Your love was a Vanilla Twilight…better known as a small piece of heaven…

you had a way of making my heart dazzle with purity and now my heart smiles cease to exist… my fire has become faceless… my life feels aimless…. I could never pretend to truly know what it is you think and feel when you look my way… as my walls fell… your walls seemed to grow stronger…. shutting me inside a silent room… You went away…. left me… and sent another man here in your place…

he looks like you but he doesn’t smile or shine the way you do… He doesn’t watch me the way you did… He doesn’t take time to look inside my heart….

He doesn’t long for me or need me the way you once did…. This twin of your soul shares no secrets…

if you did still love me the way you did once… or miss me the way you used too…. he would never tell me…. he is loyal to his master…he could watch me dying inside and never utter a single word….

He seems so cold… I wonder sometimes if he let’s you out long enough to watch me from the skies…. I look at your star and hope that perhaps you are there….

Does he ever let you think of me…. does he ever let you remember the way we loved… the way each kiss spoke endless words… words were never a necessity in our love making…. our lips and hands said enough to make mountains shake… My fingertips are always touching the cross over my heart… searching for you as though I’m still sleeping and walking through the woods waiting to hear your voice…. But when I open my eyes… I’m still here, standing on Broken Dream Boulevard… memories scattered around me… On every corner I see your face… In every thought I feel your touch…

I’m looking for angels once again….and while tears stain the concrete below… I pray you someday find me and save me soon from the nightmare that I’m awake in…. It’s more than my heart can bear… I don’t like being lost on this street anymore…. Please don’t leave me lost here… The only direction I know is you…

Let Me

laugh, love, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, poetry, Smile

Let me make you happy..

Let me see you smile..

Let me make you laugh like a child at play…

you can look for me while I pretend to hide…

I’ll even let you win…

Let me touch your hand..

Let me kiss your heart..

Let me tell you riddles..

Let me maklove to you in the hay….

Let me be the reason your heart smiles….

Because you deserve all the happiness life can bring and so much more..

Let me call you out to play and we can dance in the rain..

We can tell silly stories and laugh until our hearts are continent..

Let me get carried away in your touch….

Let me remember my best friend…

the guy who noticed every change in my life…

who could make me blush just by looking my way…

who could make me wild with one touch….

Let me know your still here with me….

that I still matter….

Let me sing you a song written by angels….

while the stars float above us….

Let me love you….

be loved by you…

Let me know I’m still waiting for you in your dreams….

Let me be more than just a memory…

Fearless

BeFearless, Believe, Bible, Brewster, ChangeYourStars, Christian, ChristianLife, ChristLover, Commissioned, Dare, desperation, Dreams, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, girlRgirls, God, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, Hope, I_Dare_You, Jesus, LittlePrincess, Live, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Mystery, NomoreChains, poetry, princesslife, QueenLife, RealTalk, Redemption, Salvation, Setfree, Strength

Fearless is dancing in the rain in the dark of the night… unconcerned with what others may think…
Fearless is going for the gold… when others only think you can achieve silver….
Fearless is sitting in the middle of the ocean….waves crashing on you… while you smile the entire time…
Fearless is seeing the grey shades in the sky and calling it beauty….
Fearless is wishing on stars… and believing someone hears you…
Fearless is dancing in your room… where no one can see… still pretending your only sixteen…
Fearless is letting down walls for the person you love….
Fearless is jumping from a plane… just too feel the wind in your wings…
Fearless is taking the chance to follow your heart….
Fearless is being afraid and having the courage to saddle up anyway… even if you have no idea how to ride…
Fearless is the confidence when you talk… the swagga when you walk…
Fearless is respecting yourself when others fail to do so….
Fearless is standing on a mountain top… eyes closed…. listening to the wind blow by….
Fearless is an unlearned art… something you are born with… unteachable to the soul…
Fearless is a mischievous grin when feeling alive inside….
Fearless is pretending to be alive… when you’ve lost all hope inside…
Fearless is loving without measure… trusting without judgement…
Fearless is believing in silly dreams…. looking for your destiny…
Fearless is finding strength to get off the floor when you feel worthless…
Fearless is finding hope in a child’s laughter…
Fearless is never letting someone be your priority when you are only an option to them…
Fearless is trusting in true love when everyone tells you it no longer exists…
Fearless is wearing glitter when your thirty….
Fearless is watching someone’s smile light up the sky….
Fearless is sitting in a beautiful green field to write poetry…
Fearless is letting go of anger…. giving mercy to those who don’t deserve it…
Fearless is getting excited at the sight of wildflowers…. because their beauty is so colorful…
Fearless is being both a devil and an angel with the one you love…
Fearless is laughing in the eye of danger….
Fearless is walking down a runway and looking your opponent in the eye…
Fearless is never seeking shelter when your world falls apart…
Fearless is daydreaming about mermaids….
Fearless is planning a trip to Italy without a penny to your name…
Fearless is seeing your future in love instead of money…
Fearless is trusting someone to be there when you fall….
Fearless is never losing your optimism in a cynical world….
Fearless is standing up for what you believe….
Fearless is honesty… loyalty… integrity… compassion and grace…
Fearless is praying to a God you love with everything in you…
Fearless is having faith where there should be none….
Fearless is breathing when you lose your lover and best friend…
Fearless is driving fast with your music loud…
Fearless is never giving up… never giving in…
Fearless is staying in someone’s embrace because there is no other place you would rather be….
Fearless is learning to let go when someone no longer loves you….
Fearless is painting a picture when you have no idea how to draw a straight line….
Fearless is feeding the hungry…. being kind to the poor… spending time with the sick…
Fearless is signing up for the drama team inspite of what your friends may think….
Fearless is letting love and kindness inspire your soul….
Fearless is becoming friends with the underdog….
Fearless is a gleam in your eye…
Fearless is starting a paintball war…
Fearless is giving yourself away and expecting nothing in return…
Fearless is mud riding on a beautiful rainy day…
Fearless is giving someone your entire heart instead of holding back…
Fearless is understanding when you’ve been abandoned…
Fearless is falling in love with a country song…
Fearless is wearing flowers is your hair in the middle of spring…
Fearless is intriguing… Mysterious… mischievous and full of life…
Fearless is having a soft heart… even when you can’t show it…
Fearless is never just what you see on the outside… but few understand what’s on the inside…
Fearless is funny… cocky… and witty…
Fearless is jaded…. with a heart that’s still pure… and naïve…’
Fearless is beauty… even when you no longer see it in the mirror….
Fearless is finding motivation from within….
Fearless is rainbows… glitter and spice…
Fearless is taking the time to smile at a stranger in hopes of giving them a better day…
Fearless is smelling the roses and making memories…
Fearless is a firecracker…
Fearless….. reminds me of a girl that I once knew…

Crystal Ball

Angels, Art, Beautiful, BeautifulDisaster, BeFearless, Believe, Bible, Brewster, Chains, ChangeYourStars, Christian, ChristianLife, ChristLover, Commissioned, CrystalBall, Dare, Deception, desperation, Disaster, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, DreamBig, Dreams, FacelessMan, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, girlRgirls, God, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, Heartache, Hope, I_Dare_You, Jesus, Lies, LittlePrincess, Live, love, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Mystery, NomoreChains, NotForsaken, Pain, poetry, princesslife, QueenLife, RealTalk, Redemption, Setfree, Strength, Tears, Truth, UnStoppable, Vision, Warrior

She sat there on Bourbon in her small iron chair…. making conversation with herself while smiling into the air… smoke surrounded her making it hard to see… but her eyes seemed almost angelic when she glanced over at me…. I smiled back… unsure of what to do… but her gaze had locked me and I could not move… she had a mysterious grin…. when she pulled back her curtain I had no choice but to follow her in….

We sat at her wooden table… smoke from incense filled the air… I watched her nervously as she reached for my hand… her eyes never left mine… for a brief instant I thought I saw someone else there… for some strange reason they looked blue… I closed my eyes and took a deep breath… I must’ve been seeing things because suddenly her eyes were as green as before….

It felt like she heard my thoughts when she ran her hand across my face….. it felt so familiar… causing my heart to race…. her deep green eyes stared intensely into mine… her fingers traced my cheeks… stopping softly on my lips…. seduction filled her voice when she spoke my name…. her fingers circled my palm and I felt afraid… I had not told her who I was… how does she know my name?
She told me she held my future in a small crystal ball…. I was curious… wondering what she could see…. was it possible that she held the truth of me…. Did she have the answer to heal my broken heart?

Had she seen a way to make these tears stop? She took my hand and placed it on her crystal ball and what I saw made my heart fall… there was no sunshine in this place… only coldness without hope of grace…. tears streamed like waterfalls on a tiny girls face… she was walking alone through the woods… her only light seemed to be a shining star in the black sky…. it hid behind the clouds and I heard her on the brink of another cry… her voice was soft and weak… “please don’t go”,she cried, ” I can’t see anymore without your light”
She sat on the ground alone and afraid… tears ran down my face watching her…. I understood her pain…. I looked across from me and asked the green eyed woman to help this young girl…. send an angel to light her path… give her the star back… please don’t let her stay so lost and afraid…. She only watched me… refusing to speak… I turned my sight to the young girl… she was on her knees, her fingers on a cross as she prayed…. a small gleam came through the sky…. she looked up with a tiny smile…. her weak body laid on the ground… her grey sleepless eyes slowly closed…. her breaths were deep… a tear fell across her cheek as she found her way toward sleep… the light begin to fade… and darkness fell….
I looked up from the ball afraid… I couldn’t see the tiny girl…. I could only hear the frantic noises that begin to invade her dreams…. The green eyed woman moved next to me…. “I can save her” She softly touched my dark hair…. she knew my heart was broken with this girl… her eyes locked with mine… “it won’t cost as much as you may think my sweet girl” I felt fire in her eyes… weakness when she touched my hand….fear when her lips touched mine…. her tongue had a bittersweet taste… it was the taste of sweet destruction… she spoke softly in my ear but I couldn’t understand what she was saying…. I felt something leaving me… it didn’t feel right… “NO”
But her hands felt like blades into my throat silencing my screams…. I could hear the tiny girl begging to breathe….
“I don’t understand why I feel so all alone” she cried…. “someone please help me…”
Her grip became tighter and I knew this could be the death of me….
She watched me struggling to breathe…. I could see her thoughts dancing across her face…
She thought I was too sweet and weak… it was my hopeful dreams that lead me to this place ….but didn’t she understand… this sweet girl was who I had always longed to be… she tortured my mind with what I had lost… reminding me of how my shining star had floated away… she couldn’t understand why I was fighting to keep this love inside of me…. She could see that my pain would never leave…
For a moment I saw tears in her deep green eyes…. I knew she was only wanting to protect me by trying to kill me…. She didn’t want to hurt anymore… she wanted to pretend these smiles were real… she was tired of lying to everyone around her….
Without speaking I reasoned with her… pleading for my life… making her understand that even if I let her win… the pain would still be there…. I had lost the love that I had loved the most…. There was no recovery from this pain….

Even if I let her coldness set in… she would still be lying to everyone she faced…. I couldn’t let her believe that in my death that everything would be ok….
She was stronger than I remember….she didn’t play fair…. She offered empty promises to cure the sleepless nights… to heal the brokenness inside my soul….. she saw me as nothing special… only a girl with foolish dreams….. she reminded me of what I see each time I look into the mirror and I fell into my weakness….. I felt the air leaving my body….

Sadness gripped my heart… knowing if she won, no one would ever find me….
I felt a light shine over my face… he’d come back to save me…. My shining star had come to make me safe…. I felt a small surge of strength rise within… remembering who I was with him…. When I saw his eyes I knew I didn’t want to die…. This shining star was the only thing still keeping me alive…. The love it had given me was the only thing I still prayed and hoped for….
I struggled to get free but her strength would not relent….i knew know who she was…. Everything became so clear….. Lady D was imprinted in the diamonds she wore on her head…. Her glamour and fire I wanted no more…. Living without feeling was the strength of her fortress……she was the beauty and fun that people wanted to see….

But I only longed to be just me….. I fought her kryptonite eyes with memories of my life before she had come back for me….. the love that filled my mind became her weakness….

And she released her grip on my throat… I heard her angry screams as her crystal ball shattered….. I ran fast following the light from a star above…
When I stopped to catch my breath I looked around…. I was back in the woods and I saw the tiny girl asleep on the ground… I sat to watch her sleep… tear stains upon her cheeks…. I knew she was searching for angels in her sleep…. It was how we spent each night…. Roaming through the woods… looking for an angel that held the shape of a star…..
There was no choice here but to accept my fate….

I moved to lay with her…. My fingers touched our cross… prayers moved across my lips…. Darkness began to fall again…

and I knew he was leaving me…. He had a new life that didn’t include me…. Watching his smile felt so bittersweet but I tried to smile back in knowing that for a short time he had come back for me….

It gave me hope that maybe… just maybe… there are times when he still thinks of me…. I could feel my foolish heart still waiting and hoping he would come back for me….. I know in some ways she was right… my sweetness is my worst weakness…. Its something I have no control over…. It’s the effect his light has over me….
I closed my eyes…. Saw his face…. Thankful for the memories that I had taken time to create…. Pieces of me afraid to sleep…. But for tonight…. Those memories helped me win the battle against the other side of me…. So for tonight…. There was no crystal ball… only a star that hid behind the clouds… and a young girl trying to find angels in her sleep….

****

There are time when I read things from my past and I am so very thankful that I am no longer walking though the pain of that kind of heart break. My life and my heart have both been restored.

I no longer battle between the two sides of me. I chose to let goodness rain through me and there has never been a moment that I have regretted it. She is only a memory of someone I used to be.

The only thing looking back can be good for is to remind you of how far you have come.

Brewster

Beautiful Disaster

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Who would have known our destinies would collide…
I never saw you coming until you crashed into me..
So many sparks from one collision…
Without even trying you pulled me into your world…

You did it so naturally…
I had no warning…

you took my breath away the moment you looked my way..
With one touch you changed my world forever…

I felt fire.. love.. passion..

I became lost in a world where only you and I exist…

A fantasy world of beautiful dillusion…
Every minute you are away from me feels like forever… every second you are with me passes by entirely too fast..
My heart wants you for always..

But my head understands the ugly truth..

You may not stay…
Our love is mystical…

magic fills the air when we touch…

our hearts speak a language where words are not always necessary….

the words I hear are like poetry to me…

You inspire the essence of my being…

You overwhelm my heart.. my mind with love…

You protect me with kindness…
Your eyes speak to me telling me the things I’ve waited my entire life to hear…

You see straight through me in ways that no one has ever been able too…
You break rules and tear down walls..

causing me to become vunerable…

you are my kriptonite…
You play games with my head with a trusting hand…

causing me to dream of things I had long given up on…
With one look into your eyes I feel you calling my name…

touching my heart… igniting love… fueling my fears… promising my hearts desire…
I see you in the stars at night… Together we dance in black and white… surrounded by the people who mean everything to us…
I am jaded and damaged… self controled and cautious…. yet the love I own for you consumes my every thought…
You were my angel is disguise….

you helped me remove my armour for a moment in time…

I pray each day that the halo I see in you doesn’t fade from my existence…
It all happened so fast… now we are trying to find a slow speed… my heart may already belong to you…

I pray we survive this my dearest love…
For if we do…

If this love is true and you come back for me…

I will love you always the way I do now…
If we withstand this fire…

Where you go I will go…

Where you lead I will follow..
I believe in what we have…

Even though on the outside looking in…

It can only be seen as a beautiful disaster…

*****

I wrote this at a very broken time in my life. I was very lost, very confused and very broken. Thankfully I have healed from this, it took many years to heal from the heartache, but the point is I did heal 🙂

God sent me a wonderful husband that I could not imagine my life without. If you are in the middle of a beautiful disaster and your heart is shattered… Have hope…. a light does come. The Damage Can Be Repaired.

Brewster

The Faceless Man

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She sits at her window

starring at the stars above

she thinks of the faceless man

who owns a piece of her heart.

She dreams of a ballroom

with chandeliers that glimmer

a dance floor with pink and silver lining.

She can hear the soft music

being played by the orchestra

She looks around

to see she is all alone.

She wonders

if she’ll always feel this lost.

She turns

to see a man walking

through the door.

It is the faceless man

that has haunted her dreams

for so many years.

Her heart begins to race

as he draws near

He holds out his hand..

She hesitates…

Afraid

of what this man might bring…

She feels his eyes full of love looking upon her.

She feels a softness in his heart that she has only dreamed of.

In a faint whisper she hears him say; ” You are not lost You have always been a part of me”

She feels her heart melt and tears begin to burn her eyes.

She can not see his face but she can see his soul.

She feels the pleas of his heart
She sees his hand still held out…

waiting for her acceptance..

She takes his hand, takes her place in his embrace.

She begins to soften in his grip… and realizes She knows this man…..

She knows this heart……

It is the heart of her Father…..

She hears a noise that wakes her from this dreamy state.

She looks out upon the stars as tears fill her eyes…

She sees a twinkling star and wonders if just this once she can be childlike.

She closes her eyes and makes the wish of her heart….

She hopes that God will hear this plea….

She no longer wants dreams of the faceless man…

She now wants the heart of her Father

******

This is something I wrote many years ago, when I was trying to understand my Identity with God and understand him and heal from daddy issues from my biological father.