Scattered & Tattered 

MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster

I haven’t written in a while, seems that I gave myself too much credit when I thought I would be capable of writing every day! Right now I’m tireddddd, good kinda tired from being up at 3 am. And definitely got my hiney handed to me in bootcamp.Which reminds me, I hear so many ppl like omg that felt so great and i usually look over like “are you smoking crack??!!” No no no nothing about this feels good!!! I don’t like the pain and weakness I feel while I’m working out, why? Well hellooooo I feel like I’m dying! And I don’t like the soreness after, infact I was a little whiney today 😂 BUT I pushed through. 

However what I do like is the effects I’m seeing from this and I’m about 3 weeks in, I think.. actually its probably been a month.

For one I’m happier lately, my anxiety hasn’t been nearly as bad, although it hurts like hell I’m seeing my body and feeling it get a bit stronger each time. I didn’t realize how weak I had become while not working out and I certainly didn’t think working out would help with the pain. But it has!

I’m learning to stretch! Lol which my massage therapist and friend Laura and my husband have been trying to drill into me forever. I’m learning quickly that my body needs it and that some of the issues I’m having are from not stretching enough.

I’m learning to have patience with myself, that’s hard!!! I’m a patient person with others but when it comes to myself, well I expect a lot from myself. I’m learning to fuel my body, not over load it with junk. My trainer Lori has been amazingggg about this with me. We are still tweaking a lot of things and this week we shall see what this change brings. In my workouts I’m pushing as hard as I can, I might stop for a moment to breathe or to shake out some leg pain but I don’t quit.

 

Last week a lot of my focus was on food. Meal Prepping. I immediately got overwhelmed 😂 I had food everywhere and my husband walked through the kitchen and heard my distressing sigh, I just looked at him and said I’m trying to do this whole thing that women call cooking 😭😭😭😭 he just laughed and hugged me. I don’t cook, I prefer others cooking for me. In my defense I told him that the first week we became an official couple, hahaha, but he has taught me a great deal, so now I actually don’t burn food, most times it tastes pretty good! Took him 3 yrs to teach me hahahaha

 

So far I have lost 8 pounds, probably could have been more if not for the Mexican food over the weekend 😳 eating good while pms’ing is hard as heck!!!!

 

I got some shoes specifically for my back and legs, they finally came in so I will let yall now how they do.

 

I’ll try to update more, I have just been so tired, I’ve kinda gone MIA from life itself. I don’t mean too but one thing I know about myself is that I accidentally just disappear. I know you’re thinking yeaaaa right BUT I do. Sometimes it’ll be days or a couple weeks before I realize I haven’t talked with people close to me. Some take a great offense to that, but those who love me and have been with me for many years understand and love me through it. I eventually poke my head up and when I don’t Briscoe or Becca are usually pulling me back into the world where the other humans I love live.

Oddly enough my biological dad is the same way however I wasn’t raised by him and we have only hung out a handful of times. I never really thought things like that could be hereditary but I’m assuming it’s one of those things I’ve heard the family members say: “It’s a Meserole thing”

 

This week I am going to focus on gym time, I do good then I get exhausted and then I slack, I have to find a healthy balance for me… and balance is NOT my forte’ – I’m either a cheerleader on speed or I’m just laid back and chilled, however on both occasions I’m pretty sarcastic. If I’m not sarcastic with you, chances are I’m still observing you or I just don’t trust that I can be myself around you.

When I attempt to try and balance something in my life, I feel caged in, I have a love hate relationship with schedules. Yes I know that I probably need them but I hateeeeee it!!! The older I get …the worse it gets. So I’m trying to make baby steps to move into the right direction of learning more balance. The struggle of trying to juggle so much I think burnt me out as a single mom raising 4 kids and to be honest I BARELY SURVIVED IT!!!!

And then again maybe that’s it…. “I” am trying to juggle it… “I” need to let GOD ALMIGHTY JUGGLE IT.

 

 

 

Hmmm something to chew on this week….

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Days 4-6

MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster

I’m starting to lose track of the days as they pass, they all seem to run into each other and I catch myself thinking “what day is it” 

Tomorrow makes a week, wow really? This last week is mostly a blur, so much to do, so much to figure out, learned a lot about things to do moving forward and some things I’m still trying to figure out. 

Like being more prepared, needing to food prep for a few days at a time because I just can’t do it everyday. It’s just too much. 

Days 4&5 were pretty good days, I was in a blah kind mood, found out that an old friend passed away. It made me sad but I know that she is in a better place now and she is pain free. 

As far as working out I did my bootcamp, ate fairly clean. 

Friday was weigh in day, I didn’t lose ANYTHING, felt pretty discouraged, like dude I’ve been busting my tail. Tons of emotions flood me through out the day. Thoughts of giving up, thoughts of being a failure, when I left work and got home I just felt depressed, I wanted to go to a Chinese buffet and just fill that void. 

BUT I didn’t!! I came home and fixed some chicken and an Avocado. I printed up my food for a few days on fitness pal and my trainer is gonna look over it, so we can tweek my intake. 

I just keep reminding myself that I’m gonna keep fighting. I silently cried myself to sleep that night and prayed that I would wake up feeling differently. 

I woke up the next morning to my husband nudging me awake, asks me if I’m going to class that morning, I mumbled NO and fell back asleep, moments later he was waking me up again! Ugh fine ok! Let me get my dang coffee! I get coffee, get dressed, head to the gym, it’s my first Saturday at the gym in foreverrrrr! I finished my coffee, still felt tired so I got a pre workout shot, ran into one of my teammates that was there for a class, so we went into the class Les Mills BodyJam.

Yallllllllll!!!! Music is loud, bass is thumping, pre workout is starting to flow so I get in the back and jump in. It was a Latina song 😍 in my mind I’m like yesss I’m a señorita ayeee!

Can’t keep up with the moves but I’m cool I know how to zydeco a bit so it’s kinda the same right?? No no it isn’t but it’s dark and who cares anyway?!! 

And thennnnnnn, song changes, preworkout is in full affect. My hips and booty start involuntarily moving and then I got fuzzy inside. Yes.. it was a street music remix 😍😍😍

Club Shady in the houuuzzz! I was lost in my own world dancing 💃🏻 

If you haven’t tried The BodyJam class you totally should!!!

Tomorrow starts a new week and a new beginning! Gonna stay strong, not gonna give up!

Day 2 & 3 

Believe, BeYou, BiggestLoser, Brewster, ChangeYourStars, desperation, DreamAway, DreamBig, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, GymLife, HaveVision, Laughter, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, RealTalk, Smile, Strength, Tears, Truth, Vision, Warrior

Ok, so i was wayyyy too tired to write last night. i felt like i was barely making it through doing the routine things we do when we get home. 
so yesterday was Day 2 – went to the gym after work. I took prework out and jumped on the treadmill to get my metabolism moving for spin class. Pre workout kicks in suddenly i feel like Micheal Jackson, moving like a smooth criminal, so a new song comes on and im totally feeling this beat so i up the speed to a power walk speed and get too it. i made it about 2 minutes and my body was like ” CALM THE HELL DOWN WOMAN” so i decreased a little – about 40ish minutes on the treadmill and im sweating glitter! yessss fat is dyinggggggg!!! so i get off and go stretch, my stomach is little iffy, i hate half of a protein bar, drank water and stretched until it was about time for spin. 

Spin is going, the music is loud, the fan is blowing, legs are warmed up and im thinking yeaaaaa i got this, muscle memory will take over and im gonna rock this beast like the old days…. yea… well…. i started getting hot.. sweat.. “yuck ok fine, im gonna have to sweat more – man i”m hungry, oooo those glow lights are pretty” “FOCUS DAVINA” we are on a mission – pre workout is wearing off a little i dont feel the same amount of stamina that i usually feel.

about the 4th track, im dying, keep looking at my phone to see how much longer , thinking well maybe i could leave at the 30 minute mark, i mean come onnnnnnnn, i dont have too go too hard on my first week back… “No No No” i hear, yes its her … the stronger me… ” your gonna do the whole 45 minutes” i argue.. she wins, fine im gonna finish this out. “dang what is that pain” NOW ANYONE WHO HAS EVER DONE SPIN KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ON A BIKE IN A WHILE” Good Lord… you know with the amount of fat on my booty you would think it would make the seats a little softer… NO NO it doesnt… I hear Lori yell – me- yesss its attack time this hurts, up …. down… up…. down… Lori yells.. “make those cheeks touch the seat” So i do…. wellllllllllll… remember earlier when i said my stomach was iffy?? yep…. Everyone Evacuate the dance floor… im jamming, i love this song, push my booty down a bit… **fart rips**

omg – i cant believe i just ripped one, omg, well mine 95% of the time don’t stink, ok whew no body will know. Within seconds this gosh awful smell appears, ya know the protein & eggs rebirth from the attic smell… yes.. I panick a little inside… I’m riding my cycle like a paranoid criminal right now, I hear a small gasp from behind me, out of my peripheral I see the girl on the side of me looking around like what the heck, but it’s the gasp I thinking about… ok so those of you who have never cycled before may not know these bikes are relatively close and when taking this class most ppl are sucking for air supply.. this runs through my mind, how close behind she was at the angle of my bike, but butt came up, fart came out, she takes a deep gasp for air and basically she eats my fart. I’m so embarrassed at this point I don’t look behind me, maybe if I don’t look they can’t guess it’s me, cycle ends, I have no idea who is behind me because I was looking every where but at that bike behind me! I clean my bike, get my trainer to sign my paper, chat for a minute then get out of there. OMG I made it 😂😂😂 

About an hour later it was funny but until then I was looking over my shoulder like the fart police were coming to get me, yes, yes indeed the price you pay for eating cabbage, eggs and protein powder! 
Thank goodness I find humor in nearly everything, one a good day anyway!
Day 3 was good, I’m tired, boot camp was this morning, worked on triceps and abs. Dang my knees! Ate good, logged food and I’m thinking I need sleep, peaceful music and sleep.
Much Love 😘

Day 1 

BeFearless, Believe, BeYou, BiggestLoser, Chains, ChangeYourStars, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, DreamBig, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, GodsGirl, GymLife, HaveVision, Hope, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, NomoreChains, RealTalk, Strength, Tears, UnStoppable, Vision, Warrior

Whew! I did it! I made it through the first day back in training! It’s been about 3 years I believe and I had forgottennnnn, haha Woke up at 3 am, few sips of coffee, workout clothes thrown on, spent a few minutes fighting with my knee braces to get them on, then got out the door! 

Cardio was first , about 25 minutes I think in the parking lot walking, the other girls walked a lap then ran a lap. Lori (my trainer for the next 2 months) walked with me it helped ease my anxiety. Felt like my lower back wanted to cave a few times, extremely short of breath because I’m a smoker, had to stop a couple times, bend over stretch my back, catch my breath BUT I walked the whole time. And I didn’t feel like a loser today, I know I’m basically starting from scratch again and today that’s ok with me BECAUSE IM TRYING!! 

Cardio finishes up and I’m thinking crap boot camp is next, Lori of course takes it easy on me my first day back, hard still? Hell yes it was I felt calories dying and screaming! I also felt my body dying and screaming haha like dang I feel old! Squats made the booty feel good, my knees not so much but I had forgotten how much I both love and hate the burning of getting stronger. 

Lunges, geese ok how do I keep my balance again??!!!! Deadlifts, yea they aren’t always the funnest to do but I know they are good for back strength and this lil mamma needs some back strength. I get on the step bench and I think “Dear God, Please don’t let me tip over and face plant – I feel a giggle- no no God seriously, please don’t let me face plant” haha too some it probably sounds crazy but yes I talk to God in my head through out the day. It helps me. So next is these donkey kicks on your knees or something like that.. but anyway yea… gotta get a fix on that one, my knees are so weak and easily pained it hurt but I’m not one to give in too easily. So I did what I could, then abs, yes even obese I have them they are just temporarily hiding under the pound cake of my stomach. Spasms ugh yes but they weren’t as horrible as usual. 

Stayed on track with my eating and like anything else it takes doing the dang thing and tweaking it along the way.

Tonight I feel tired, a bit sore, a slight pains but I also feel accomplished. 

Thanks to all who have sent encouragement to me! 💖 and a special thanks to my wonderful husband who came with me to the gym and who helps me so much when I just get emotionally overwhelmed these days! 

My Why

BeYou, BiggestLoser, ChangeYourStars, Dare, DreamBig, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, GymLife, Hope, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, RealTalk, Strength, Tears, Truth, Vision, Warrior

I know that before starting any goal you should have a “Why” so when times get hard you can go back and remind yourself why you are doing this particular thing. I chose to start blogging my journey for different reasons, to be open/vulnerable (not my strongest suit in life) and because I know there are other women who struggle and feel the way I do. So for those following me through this Thank YOU! My joining the biggest loser challenge/contest had brought me to a point where I had to ask myself, if I do this, why would I be doing it? 

And tonight I’m gonna share that with you. I have several reasons.
* I want to lose weight! I’m tired of looking at myself and being disgusted. I’m tired of looking at old pictures of when I felt “hot” Am I beautiful, hell yes I am haha but I used to FEEL beautiful. I used to enjoy getting dressed up, not for anyone else but for me. I enjoyed taking pictures, of course they won’t be as scandalous as they use to be. But you get the point. 

* I want to be healthy! This is a doozy one for me. I’m turning 40 in a week and a half or so. I feel like I should be feeling better than I feel. I have issues physically, a really bad back, bad knees, neck and shoulder issues. They are results from different accidents and so on. But I have children, grandchildren, a man that I fell completely and utterly in love with. I want to live longer than most people do, personally I would love to be immortal but yea totally can’t be, bummer.. anyway I have issues that are hereditary and some that were brought on from an unhealthy lifestyle. I want to change it. I used to work out, I liked it, I like feeling like a badass in the gym, I don’t like feeling old and broken down. I feel weak now so I hide… I hide behind food and a mask that says “I’m totally ok” lies lies lies… I survive each day telling myself lies.

* I want to overcome emotional eating!! It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized I was an emotional eater, a sneak eater. I figured I just loved to eat because hey! I’m from the south, these cajuns cook good food!!! But NO overtime, through prayer and personal inventory I began to realize I was very very much of an emotional eater, trying to fill a void inside of myself buy shoveling food inside of it or sneak eating because I’m ashamed of needing the food to fill the void. I believe this challenge will help me with the strength and confidence I need again to believe in myself and it will give me the strength to fight against the Esau mentality.

* I want to feel brave again!!! I used to be the girl helping everyone, encouraging everyone, the warrior inside of me could breathe. Now I am the one being carried, my warrior feels weak, tired, depleted but there is still a spark of fire I feel from her sometimes, I hear her whisper “Let’s fight this and win, Let’s set you free” 

* Depression and Anxiety, ssshhhh it’s the shameful words no one wants to admit too or claim. Yes I suffer with depression and anxiety, if you are not one of my best friends or one of my most lovely coworkers, that comment probably surprised you. Yes I struggle with it, I just don’t put my business out there for everyone, but for the longest time I wouldn’t even admit it. One day I will write just about that because I have ALOT to say on that subject. Anyway, they say working out regularly helps with it and to be honest my depression has gotten worse as I have become more obese. But the medication has caused a lot of the weight gain as well. So if I could even lower my dose I would be happy. 

* I can win up to 5K if I actually lose the most weight, that’s a great added motivation!!! Momma needs to pay some bills!!!! The contest is 8 weeks, so if you see me and I don’t smile or if I growl, snap or possibly bite, it’s not you, I’m either tired or hangry. 

* And I’m doing it for every girl/woman that is too discouraged to walk into a gym, admit she is an emotional eater, sneak eats, deals with depression or just feels weak. I hope that if you ever come across this blog you feel inspired. 
So there it is, the basics anyway 😉

Thank you to all of those who are cheering me on and standing behind me, especially my husband!! No clue what I would do without him sometimes.
Tomorrow is Day 1! Let’s do this!! 

#teamhips 

Pray.Listen.Seek.

Beautiful, BeFearless, Believe, BeYou, Bible, BibleDevotions, Brewster, Chains, ChangeYourStars, Christian, ChristianLife, ChristLover, Commissioned, desperation, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, DreamBig, Dreams, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, God, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, I_Dare_You, Jesus, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, NomoreChains, NotForsaken, princesslife, RealTalk, Redemption, Salvation, Setfree, Smile, Strength, Vision, Warrior

Be careful how you walk. Make the most of your time and use it wisely. Don’t waste it. Be Productive. Don’t let God just be there; interact with him. Walk so closely with him that you hear his heartbeat. Pray. Listen. Seek the leading of his Holy Spirit. Begin everyday with God – in payer, in his Word, and in Worship – so that no matter what arises, you are more than ready.

Happily Ever After

Angels, Art, Beautiful, BeautifulDisaster, BeFearless, Believe, BeYou, Bible, BibleDevotions, Brewster, Chains, ChangeYourStars, Christian, ChristianLife, ChristLover, Commissioned, CrystalBall, Dare, Deception, desperation, Disaster, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, DreamBig, Dreams, FacelessMan, Faith, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, girlRgirls, God, Goddess, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, Heartache, Hope, Immortal, Innocent, I_Dare_You, Jesus, Judgement, laugh, Lies, LittlePrincess, Live, lost, love, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Mystery, NomoreChains, NotForsaken, Pain, Phantom, poetry, princesslife, PrivateAccusations, QueenLife, RealTalk, Redemption, Salvation, Setfree, Smile, Strength, Tears, Truth, UnStoppable, Vision, Warrior

Fall in love, Be passionate and fearless, listen to your heart, be thoughtful and generous, believe in yourself and other people, be spontaneous and impulsive, find reasons to smile, stay loyal to your friends, pray everyday, laugh often, make memories and never take life and those you love for granted, crank up the music and hit the dirt roads, serve your community, sing and dance to your favorite silly songs. This is your Happily Ever After!

Love Revolution 

Believe, BeYou, DontGiveUp, DreamAway, DreamBig, Dreams, Faith, Fearless, feelings, God, GodsGirl, HaveVision, Healing, Hope, I_Dare_You, Jesus, MagnificentObsession, moments, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, NomoreChains, poetry, princesslife, RealTalk, Smile, Truth, Vision, Warrior

I want my love for Jesus to be reflected in the way I show love for others, even those who may be difficult to love. If I can soften one hard heart with the love of God, maybe that person will soften another’s heart with love, then that one will reach out to others, and so on and so on… And soon we’ll have a love revolution!

Journey Of Ice

Beautiful, BeautifulDisaster, BeFearless, Believe, BeYou, Chains, Disaster, DreamAway, DreamBig, Dreams, Fearless, FearlessWarrior, feelings, girlRgirls, God, Goddess, Healing, Heartache, Hope, Immortal, Innocent, Judgement, laugh, Lies, LittlePrincess, Live, lost, love, MagnificentObsession, moments, Mystery, NomoreChains, NotForsaken, Pain, Phantom, poetry, princesslife, PrivateAccusations, QueenLife, RealTalk, Redemption, Salvation, Setfree, Smile, Strength, Tears, Truth

Life is a journey that some of us live… and some of us barely survive it… its full of great moments… and sometimes it’s full of horrid events that we somehow wish was a nightmare… We all walk our own walk… no one can judge the journey we make.. or the path that we take.. no one but us fully understands the scars that lie deep within us…some of us are knocked down quicker than others… some of us are harder to knock down but when we fall… we fall hard and it takes us longer to get up… Its not how many times you fall… nor is it how hard you fall…. it doesnt matter how long it takes you to get up… just so long you get up fighting back… when you stay down… you fail.. you let that person.. that event.. that storm win… the journey will then become cold and bitter… losing all sunshine along that path… People will always hurt you in life… you should never use it as an excuse to hurt someone else purposely… in reality you are not only hurting them but you are also destroying the goodness inside of yourself by allowing the anger of you’re pain take over….you’re heart becomes cold.. Before you know it a storm begins to brew within…the ice flowing from you’re heart will begin to consume anything that lies in its path…causing a loss of anything that resembles humanity… You become this miserable dead man walking through life… unintentionally destroying and sucking the life out of anything that comes into your vision… Anger and Misery are no respecters of person… they don’t care who you are… they don’t care what your name is… they don’t care what your social status is… they don’t care about your family…. they don’t care about your children.. they don’t care about your friends… they don’t care about the innocent bystanders that forsakenly walk into their pathway… The poison within them flows from their eyes and hands…contaminating any object of goodness like a disease… they will consume you and anything you touch… introducing you to the person you will soon hate… Eventually Anger and Misery will have chased away anything that resembles warmth or love…. It will have sucked the blood out of anything that represents life outside of the world they deem to make… they become Lonely… Trapped inside a caged prison built by their own hands…. Tortured within their mind with memories that are racing in circles and faces that are fading into darkness….Silence violently rushes them as death is upon them…. The storm has won…. The heart beats no more… the trail leading back home no longer exists…. There is nothing left but… ICE

2010

DMB

Broken Eyes 

Beautiful, BeautifulDisaster, Believe, Brewster, Dreams, GodsGirl, Healing, Heartache, Hope, Judgement, lost, love, MomentsOfTruthwithBrewster, Pain, Phantom, Redemption, Setfree, Strength, Tears, Truth, Vision, Warrior

Her eyes are burned with shattered images of you every time she looks at me…
She sees you when she looks into my deep blue eyes…
My words and mannerisms remind her of you…
My way of thinking and vision show proof that your DNA flows through me.
My face may favor her but everything about me sends flashes of a painful past that she can’t forgive before her broken eyes.
She doesn’t know me…
She thinks I’m you…
She spits fire at my soul..
Burning me while she see’s you.
She hooks invisible strings to my back and hands…
Attempting to move me in ways that will ensure the destruction of the unseen that still hides within me.
She finds failure in my every thought…her screams and venomous words have taken residency in my head, they sing to me with broken harps causing a painful rhythm to dance within me and my eyes to rain with hot liquids that burn the cheeks they fall upon…
How can i blame her for hating the image of me..
She has no idea who I am, how could she when all she can see is you…
I’m not you..
I’m not her..
In fact I’m almost nothing in-between…
The magician has forgotten who i was before i became the prisoner of this tower… before my hands where shackled to walls of hate.. before my heart was shattered into a numbing state…
A young princess crying out for freedom…
My cries go unheard, my knees bow in prayer as I realize without warning I have become the obsession of this magicians broken eyes…
Will my undeserving penance ever be resolved?
Won’t you free me dear magician?
Allow me to smile and dance freely in the oceans of forgiveness….
Written 4/2010